Wow. I feel totally rusty at the blogging thing.
But I actually have some time to myself and so I am going to use that to blog. I know you are all excited!
I just have to tell you that today my kiddos have just been bringing so much laughter and smiles to my house today. Maddie was having me laughing my butt of earlier, there were a few different things. And then I decided to teach Cam to stick out his tongue. He is so different from Maddie ever was. She would watch intently and then slowly try until she got it right. Cam watches intently, and then I can see his tongue wanting to give it a try. it is literally inside quivering. Lol. So I put him down and tend to some things, and the first time that I walk over to him to pick him up, he looks at me so serious and then sticks his tongue out with all his might! Like "Ok Mom, I got it" It is like he waited for me to leave to practice it a couple of times to make sure he could do it and only then did he show off his new talent. That was super cute and all, but the reason that I was just laughing my butt off about it is that he totally has the funniest looking tongue. It is long and pointy and well, think of KISS. Wow.... I always knew it was a bit pointy, but actually seeing it when he sticks it out just makes me laugh. And it like curls up even, so I swear it kinda looked like a snake or something. I will try to get it on video.
Maddie is just Maddie, and well she has a great personality, even if she is 22 months going on 18. Boy oh boy does she know what she wants and gets REALLY upset when she doesn't get it. I really feel sorry for the boys she dates. ;) But she is also really funny and keeps me smiling all day.
Well, I need to get to blogging more. It is really theraputic for me so I need to do it more. Well, I am off to rest a bit while the kiddos are sleeping. I have a busy work at home night ahead of me too. I am really enjoying working from home.
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Meet my daughter, AKA the HULK
My god... Maddie totally has the strongest grip. I swear, yesterday I was changing her diaper and she wrapped her leg around my arm and leg-locked me. I honestly had to use my other arm to move her leg so I could get my leg-locked arm out!! Then, today, I was feeding her more advocado and she decided she wanted to hold the spoon herself and I seriously felt like I was wrestling with DJ, not a 4.5 month old!!
And, she reached another milestone... sucking on her big toe. Yup, I knew it was going to happen very soon. She was getting closer and closer to getting her foot in her mouth. I assume today wasn't her first time though and she might have already done this while I was at work. Cause I reached over to get a wipe, and turn back, and toe is in mouth, and she has a good suction on that like she knew what she was doing. I know they are baby feet, but from someone who HATES HATES HATES feet, it really grosses me out. Once I got over the laughs, I kept pulling it out cause I wanted to gag. :)
I am not sure what happened tonight, but we had a disasterous bath. I know the temp of the water was ok, but I dipped her feet in and she screamed bloody murder. I will admit, since I have been back to work I haven't given her a bath. I know, I know, call the authorities. It has just been really hard cause I can only do it after work as she is sleeping right until I have to put her into her carseat in the mornings, and we hadn't really gotten down a good schedule until this week. So, it could very possibly have been the fact that she hasn't had one in a while and forgot that she doesn't mind them, or I am thinking I ususally put her in butt first, and this time, cause she was more steady and older, I just dipped her feet in first. I really have no idea, and I am hoping it was a fluke, cause it pretty muched sucked, and she still cried a ton afterwards, and that is just not like Maddie.
So we are getting ready for her baptism this weekend. She is going to wear the dress my sister and I were baptized in, and that is so cool to me. My mom also bought her this really cute white fur coat to wear to the church, and she is just going to look adorable!! I of course will post pictures.
So, now that I have been back to work for 2 weeks, I have to admit, now that I am going to be staying home I am like what am I going to do with her all day long. I remember when I was home with her I was the happiest I have been in a long, long time. But suddenly I forget how we used to pass the time. Then I remember some things, like I have a CD one of my Aunts bought that is a mommy and me sing-a-long CD. We used to put that in and sing with it while I folded laundry and stuff. She used to LOVE that. I know there are other things...well walks, but those are probably going to stop soon. Although I can't wait to take Maddie out for her first SNOW of the season. That's right, I'll admit it... I LOVE SNOW. I just don't love it in March and April. :)
Happy Hump Day to all!
And, she reached another milestone... sucking on her big toe. Yup, I knew it was going to happen very soon. She was getting closer and closer to getting her foot in her mouth. I assume today wasn't her first time though and she might have already done this while I was at work. Cause I reached over to get a wipe, and turn back, and toe is in mouth, and she has a good suction on that like she knew what she was doing. I know they are baby feet, but from someone who HATES HATES HATES feet, it really grosses me out. Once I got over the laughs, I kept pulling it out cause I wanted to gag. :)
I am not sure what happened tonight, but we had a disasterous bath. I know the temp of the water was ok, but I dipped her feet in and she screamed bloody murder. I will admit, since I have been back to work I haven't given her a bath. I know, I know, call the authorities. It has just been really hard cause I can only do it after work as she is sleeping right until I have to put her into her carseat in the mornings, and we hadn't really gotten down a good schedule until this week. So, it could very possibly have been the fact that she hasn't had one in a while and forgot that she doesn't mind them, or I am thinking I ususally put her in butt first, and this time, cause she was more steady and older, I just dipped her feet in first. I really have no idea, and I am hoping it was a fluke, cause it pretty muched sucked, and she still cried a ton afterwards, and that is just not like Maddie.
So we are getting ready for her baptism this weekend. She is going to wear the dress my sister and I were baptized in, and that is so cool to me. My mom also bought her this really cute white fur coat to wear to the church, and she is just going to look adorable!! I of course will post pictures.
So, now that I have been back to work for 2 weeks, I have to admit, now that I am going to be staying home I am like what am I going to do with her all day long. I remember when I was home with her I was the happiest I have been in a long, long time. But suddenly I forget how we used to pass the time. Then I remember some things, like I have a CD one of my Aunts bought that is a mommy and me sing-a-long CD. We used to put that in and sing with it while I folded laundry and stuff. She used to LOVE that. I know there are other things...well walks, but those are probably going to stop soon. Although I can't wait to take Maddie out for her first SNOW of the season. That's right, I'll admit it... I LOVE SNOW. I just don't love it in March and April. :)
Happy Hump Day to all!
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Work Update
Oh my gosh, I just had the best conversation with my boss. It was uplifting and completely unexpected. Oh, and something I totally needed.
Background, I have a direct (woman) and an indirect Boss (man). My entire pregnancy the man was way more understanding than the woman- she has never been PG, doesn't have any kids. Not an excuse, just giving you background. Anyhow, as I am going over what I want to do about continuing to work, wanting to stay home, I obviously decide I will tell my indirect boss first, instead of going to my direct boss, who would then take it up. So I did that last Thursday. He was completely understanding and I asked him NOT to tell her, cause I see her on a daily basis and didn't want to deal with the non-understanding attitude! So he doesn't.
But yesterday (monday) comes to me to see where my thoughts are... I cannot travel, so I really have no choice other than he was going to see if I could switch positions with someone who works on retail ads. Been there, done that, equals late late hours, and OT during holidays, etc. So, I said that wouldn't really be any better for me than the travel. He tells me he will need a proper notice, I say let me talk to my Husband, and I will let him know on Wednesday. So, after our phone call, because I am starting to feel guilty that I owe it to my direct boss, and because I know another co-worker ran to tell my direct boss after overhearing my conversation, I decide to go in and tell her myself. Let's just say disaster!!! She is completely unprofessional, and after the talk, I get more and more annoyed and frustrated.
Fast Forward to this morning, my indirect boss calls me (he knows I am frustrated about my talk with direct boss) to see how I am feeling. I tell him I am going to go ahead and give him notice today, and that I will give 5 weeks, however, if direct boss makes the next 5 weeks uncomfortable, I will not work those entire 5 weeks. Well, we get into the subject of staying home and how making that decision was SOO hard for me. He was a single Dad of 3 children back in the day. He was saying how this industry is really not conducive to raising a family. I agree. He happens, to say to me, "And if you are worried about the money"... and I say, "I AM" he says "Don't" He says when he started having kids his wife and him made the exact same amount of money, and she quit so their pay was cut in half.. which is pretty much the same case with DJ and I. He said they got by. He said it was hard, but they did it. And he said that was some of their best times. *smile* This is all stuff that I know in my deepest of hearts would be the case, but yesterday after being close to giving notice, I was starting to doubt. He has told me repeatedly that my work record is perfect, and I would certainly be a candidate for re-hire. I asked him not taking into consideration the market, how easy he thinks it is for a someone who left the workforce to raise kids, to get back into it 5 years later, and he said, "I know for a fact it is, infact a good friend of mine who is a hiring manager said that right now their number 1 candidates for hire are Moms coming back from the home." I asked why, and I can't remember his exact words right now but basically he said, they have made the hardest decision, to stay home and raise their kids, and that is some of the hardest work. They are running their households, oh, he said the word DEDICATED- meaning they appreciate returning to the workforce, and they are by nature more dedicated people to whatever it is they do, raising the kids, working out of the home. (HMMP, to all of those who think staying home is a weak thing!!) He continues to tell me how hard it really is. He says you will have some hard days, you are home talking to kids all day long, and your hubby will come home tired from talking to adults all day. You are gonna want to talk, he is not going to want to talk. I chuckled and told him that is a normal day in my household... DJ NEVER wants to talk. He laughed. I feel like I am not doing this conversation justice for how important it was. How much it made me feel GOOD and confident in my decision. Oh, I had also told him how it WAS a very hard decision. And also, choosing to be dependant on a man, which is why I went to college, to be sure I could make a living for myself. He told me I would be fine. He said his ex-wife did not go to college, and that once they were divorced, yes she had it rough, because she could not find a good paying job. He also mentioned a friend he had that was recently divorced. She did go to college and had a career, which she left when she had her first baby. She is now recently a widow. After being out of the workforce for 18 years!! She had to work to support her family, and to put her last Child through college, he said that after 18 years she got a job she loves, and is decent paying and she is having no problem putting her Child through college. PHEW! That made me feel better. And ties into something an old college friend said to me yesterday, don't think of it as giving up your dreams and hopes, you are only putting that on hold! I felt great hearing that from her yesterday, and she is right, and he is right. When I want to, if I need to, I will find something that will work for me. That drive that I always have will be there again to get me out of any situation I am in.
I feel like this whole post is one entire run on sentance, or that is how it is running through my head right now.
Background, I have a direct (woman) and an indirect Boss (man). My entire pregnancy the man was way more understanding than the woman- she has never been PG, doesn't have any kids. Not an excuse, just giving you background. Anyhow, as I am going over what I want to do about continuing to work, wanting to stay home, I obviously decide I will tell my indirect boss first, instead of going to my direct boss, who would then take it up. So I did that last Thursday. He was completely understanding and I asked him NOT to tell her, cause I see her on a daily basis and didn't want to deal with the non-understanding attitude! So he doesn't.
But yesterday (monday) comes to me to see where my thoughts are... I cannot travel, so I really have no choice other than he was going to see if I could switch positions with someone who works on retail ads. Been there, done that, equals late late hours, and OT during holidays, etc. So, I said that wouldn't really be any better for me than the travel. He tells me he will need a proper notice, I say let me talk to my Husband, and I will let him know on Wednesday. So, after our phone call, because I am starting to feel guilty that I owe it to my direct boss, and because I know another co-worker ran to tell my direct boss after overhearing my conversation, I decide to go in and tell her myself. Let's just say disaster!!! She is completely unprofessional, and after the talk, I get more and more annoyed and frustrated.
Fast Forward to this morning, my indirect boss calls me (he knows I am frustrated about my talk with direct boss) to see how I am feeling. I tell him I am going to go ahead and give him notice today, and that I will give 5 weeks, however, if direct boss makes the next 5 weeks uncomfortable, I will not work those entire 5 weeks. Well, we get into the subject of staying home and how making that decision was SOO hard for me. He was a single Dad of 3 children back in the day. He was saying how this industry is really not conducive to raising a family. I agree. He happens, to say to me, "And if you are worried about the money"... and I say, "I AM" he says "Don't" He says when he started having kids his wife and him made the exact same amount of money, and she quit so their pay was cut in half.. which is pretty much the same case with DJ and I. He said they got by. He said it was hard, but they did it. And he said that was some of their best times. *smile* This is all stuff that I know in my deepest of hearts would be the case, but yesterday after being close to giving notice, I was starting to doubt. He has told me repeatedly that my work record is perfect, and I would certainly be a candidate for re-hire. I asked him not taking into consideration the market, how easy he thinks it is for a someone who left the workforce to raise kids, to get back into it 5 years later, and he said, "I know for a fact it is, infact a good friend of mine who is a hiring manager said that right now their number 1 candidates for hire are Moms coming back from the home." I asked why, and I can't remember his exact words right now but basically he said, they have made the hardest decision, to stay home and raise their kids, and that is some of the hardest work. They are running their households, oh, he said the word DEDICATED- meaning they appreciate returning to the workforce, and they are by nature more dedicated people to whatever it is they do, raising the kids, working out of the home. (HMMP, to all of those who think staying home is a weak thing!!) He continues to tell me how hard it really is. He says you will have some hard days, you are home talking to kids all day long, and your hubby will come home tired from talking to adults all day. You are gonna want to talk, he is not going to want to talk. I chuckled and told him that is a normal day in my household... DJ NEVER wants to talk. He laughed. I feel like I am not doing this conversation justice for how important it was. How much it made me feel GOOD and confident in my decision. Oh, I had also told him how it WAS a very hard decision. And also, choosing to be dependant on a man, which is why I went to college, to be sure I could make a living for myself. He told me I would be fine. He said his ex-wife did not go to college, and that once they were divorced, yes she had it rough, because she could not find a good paying job. He also mentioned a friend he had that was recently divorced. She did go to college and had a career, which she left when she had her first baby. She is now recently a widow. After being out of the workforce for 18 years!! She had to work to support her family, and to put her last Child through college, he said that after 18 years she got a job she loves, and is decent paying and she is having no problem putting her Child through college. PHEW! That made me feel better. And ties into something an old college friend said to me yesterday, don't think of it as giving up your dreams and hopes, you are only putting that on hold! I felt great hearing that from her yesterday, and she is right, and he is right. When I want to, if I need to, I will find something that will work for me. That drive that I always have will be there again to get me out of any situation I am in.
I feel like this whole post is one entire run on sentance, or that is how it is running through my head right now.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
"itwillgetbetter"
I have heard this phrase probably 20 times this week. And it is not said or typed with an affirmative "It WILL get BETTER", or even an understanding "It will get better". It is said as an afterthought, a default answer, meaningless."itwillgetbetter" That is how it feels to me. Like I just need to get through this week, or like I am being overly sensitive. Not like we are talking about a major, huge life changing decision I am going through. I just can't hear it ONE MORE TIME, I can't- I will not be able to take it! I don't even like to talk about the subject at hand anymore- that of leaving my dear Maddie on a daily basis for the sake of joining the Mommy workforce. A friend of mine emailed me today asking how the week was going. I was waiting for it... I was cringing when I opened her reply to mine. It wasn't there. Phew! Got by without it on that one! Then, more questions in her reply. I read it, and I KNEW my answers to this one would definitley receive a "itwillgetbetter" so I didn't ever answer those questions. Cause honestly, I cannot hear it again.
Truth is, work is good, work is fun. The idea of leaving work is scary and sad, and unnerving. Will it get better? Sure. Yes. It will get better. I can adjust. DJ tells me I am a strong woman and I can and will get through this. He is right. I can, and I could. But do I want to? I mean, already, I feel really sad that I am not with Maddie so much all the time. Do I miss her? Sure? Is it ruining me like I thought it would? No. What I feel like is being a kid again, who somehow got pushed out of the group. Whether it was the "Cool" kid group, or just the triangle of best friends that for the moment decided to banish you from "the group" for whatever reason of the hour. Not to worry, next hour it will be another person in the group who is banished and you are back in. I remember this well, and I played the game well. I was not the one who cried and lost it when I got pushed out. I never begged to get back in. I just sat and waited it out, I didn't do backflips or any other crazy thing I thought might help my chances of getting back in faster. I just took it,and everytime I got stronger cause of it. So here I am again. Feeling pushed outside Maddie's group. I feel it in her looks, her smiles, her coos. And my reaction, it's not to cry, or try to win my way back into to her heart. No, it is to take it, and maybe get a bit more into my work. It could get better. I could let myself adjust to the new amount of time I spend with her. To the new (lower) level of closeness we share. Yes, it will get better if I chose to adjust in these ways. OR, I could choose NOT to let it get better, and NOT to be happy with only seeing her a hour and a half a day. I could choose to take it that I will not always be the one person to see all of her firsts. And for some people there is no option but to have to make these things work. I AM strong enough to be that person who makes it work, but it is not what I want to do, or who I want to be. If I was a single Mom and had a different way of life thrown at me, I think I would be looking at everything differently and be grateful for different things. But, right now, I am not that person. I don't think I have to take being out of "the group" anymore. I don't have to pretend it doesn't hurt. 'Cause this is my first child. And, I want nothing more than to be totally and completely IN "the group" ALL THE TIME when it comes to her. Well at least until she turns 5 and pushes me away cause she is a big school girl now, or 13 when she is finally a teenager. But those will be HER decisions and wishes, not mine. And then, I can once again take being out of "the group"- after years of knowing I was there for her, and this is her time to grow and find out who she is, and that will be OK.
Besides, I will let her figure this one out on her own when she is much much older- after having been in "the group" so long while she was young, I will forever be in "the group" no matter what separates us.
Truth is, work is good, work is fun. The idea of leaving work is scary and sad, and unnerving. Will it get better? Sure. Yes. It will get better. I can adjust. DJ tells me I am a strong woman and I can and will get through this. He is right. I can, and I could. But do I want to? I mean, already, I feel really sad that I am not with Maddie so much all the time. Do I miss her? Sure? Is it ruining me like I thought it would? No. What I feel like is being a kid again, who somehow got pushed out of the group. Whether it was the "Cool" kid group, or just the triangle of best friends that for the moment decided to banish you from "the group" for whatever reason of the hour. Not to worry, next hour it will be another person in the group who is banished and you are back in. I remember this well, and I played the game well. I was not the one who cried and lost it when I got pushed out. I never begged to get back in. I just sat and waited it out, I didn't do backflips or any other crazy thing I thought might help my chances of getting back in faster. I just took it,and everytime I got stronger cause of it. So here I am again. Feeling pushed outside Maddie's group. I feel it in her looks, her smiles, her coos. And my reaction, it's not to cry, or try to win my way back into to her heart. No, it is to take it, and maybe get a bit more into my work. It could get better. I could let myself adjust to the new amount of time I spend with her. To the new (lower) level of closeness we share. Yes, it will get better if I chose to adjust in these ways. OR, I could choose NOT to let it get better, and NOT to be happy with only seeing her a hour and a half a day. I could choose to take it that I will not always be the one person to see all of her firsts. And for some people there is no option but to have to make these things work. I AM strong enough to be that person who makes it work, but it is not what I want to do, or who I want to be. If I was a single Mom and had a different way of life thrown at me, I think I would be looking at everything differently and be grateful for different things. But, right now, I am not that person. I don't think I have to take being out of "the group" anymore. I don't have to pretend it doesn't hurt. 'Cause this is my first child. And, I want nothing more than to be totally and completely IN "the group" ALL THE TIME when it comes to her. Well at least until she turns 5 and pushes me away cause she is a big school girl now, or 13 when she is finally a teenager. But those will be HER decisions and wishes, not mine. And then, I can once again take being out of "the group"- after years of knowing I was there for her, and this is her time to grow and find out who she is, and that will be OK.
Besides, I will let her figure this one out on her own when she is much much older- after having been in "the group" so long while she was young, I will forever be in "the group" no matter what separates us.
Monday, October 22, 2007
The Return
So here I sit the night before I return to corporate America. And I just feel blah about it. Who knew I would ever feel like this. I mean, once I was PG I was starting to get an idea that my career driven attitude was weaning, but really, I just thought it was a stage I was going through that would get old and that when it was time to return, I would be ready for it. Not so. Joke is ON ME. Hmph! That is what I say to that. I literally cannot get sleep tonight. As I start to fall asleep, I slowly work my way up to an almost state of hyperventilation. Doesn't this tell me something, doesn't this tell DJ something. I get the message, him... not so much! Annoying. Totally messing up our relationship vibe (yup, I just used the word vibe.) I don't think I have ever felt so separated from him. I mean, I get his reasoning. He is afraid of being poor again. Well, so am I. But, the Motherly selfless-ness that I never thought I would get, well, I got it, and yes I am afraid of a struggle. But what I am more afraid of is not being there for the first year of my daughters life. Great, I will be home by 5:30 to spend 1 hour with her before she goes down for the night- and that is only on the nights I don't have to work overtime. If I work an hour of overtime I will be getting just as she is about to go to BED for the night.
Today we had the pre-baptism meeting for Madddie. And while there Sister Margaretta had said something that has stuck with me all night. She was saying how she thinks that babies that were never wanted have their spirits damaged in the womb. Wow, I think she is so right. I cannot remember how we got on the topic, but we were talking about evil, and that led to unhappy babies. She wasn't directly talking about being a stay-at-home Mom, but I totally agree with her. I mean, I totally think part of why Maddie is such a happy baby (and someone just said this to me the other day) is because I was SOOO happy being pregnant. I think a lot of that spiritual feeling is passed through the body into the baby. And, I think that a baby who is left in daycare, is a bit damaged in their soul. Go ahead, flame me for that one. But, I totally do. And I truly in my mind think that is part of the problem with society today. Kids are just left to be raised by whomever, and are not home with their Mother for the greater part of their upbringing. Then, when they get old enough to understand, we bully them into thinking they HAD to go into Daycare, because Mom HAD to work, because things are so expensive and you need to have a double income family in order to survive. Don't get me wrong, I know there are some cases, where a double income IS needed, or a Mom is a single Mom, and NEEDS to work. And I think because they are working for the right reasons, THAT gets pushed into the soul, the selfless act by a single Mom, or a needy family. But not every situation is like that.
DJ and I had very different upbringings. And, now I am starting to think that a possible reason why DJs soul is so sad, may have to do with the fact that his Mom used to leave for days at a time, and leave him and his sister home alone. There wasn't a good (or even bad) cooked meal on the table. He used to melt chocolate chips and put them on graham crackers for dinner. He talks about how he would be sooo bored stuck at home. Or one time, in the freezing cold, he came home from kindergarten and no one was home and he had to hide in the garage to try to be warm! Where, on the other hand, and yes, my family was not well off either. But, my Mom was home, and my Dad came home afterwork. We always had a cooked meal on the table, and we ate together- no tv. Sometimes I remember it being hotdogs and chicken noodle soup, and my parents didn't even eat, when times were rougher than others. But the point is that we sat at the table together and were ToGether. And now as I am typing this, I am wondering if the sadness that DJ thinks was from being poor, wasn't actually from being left alone and deserted a lot. That in itself just proves to me that I really do know what is right, I just am not sure how to get DJ to understand what is right for Maddie. I mean, what more can we need? We have a decent house, but we have nice furniture, a big screen downstairs, a flat screen in our bedroom, I just bought a new camera, he finally got his gun safe. Which now with kids was more of a necessity that it was for fun. But, sure things would be tight, but we can deal with tight for a few years. I can't imagine that it wouldn't work out.
Tonight Sister Margretta said another thing that struck home with me. She had said when you feel alone, to go to God. I felt like she could see right through me. Cause I have felt so alone lately. DJ just doesn't understand me, and well, when things get bad he runs, or at least just stays away. None of my friends understand, and well I am just totally confused myself, because, I do feel this weird thing of guilt, or like if I were to leave the workforce, I JUST become a stay-at-home Mom. That is another thing I do not understand about society today, why is it, that people easily make you feel worthless for wanting to stay home with the love of your life. The one person/thing that you are most responsible for in this world. If you want to devote your life to it, you are looked at as weak. What is that about? And, until after having my daughter, I am ashamed to say, that I have been completely guilty of this. Judging people for JUST being a Stay-at-home Mom, making my friends, or others I don't know well, feel bad for doing this very important JOB. Anyhow, back to the point at hand... It just totally hit home. I DO need God right now at this very trying point in my life. I need to talk to him about this. It just seems weird to be asking him for the strength to be a working Mom, when what reasons do I really have to be a working Mom. It is certainly not survival. It is for selfish reasons, like wanting to flaunt money,having brand new cars every couple of years. How do you justify THAT? I think I am just going to ask him for help to NOT feel weak because I WANT to be a stay-at-home Mom, and for help in getting DJ to understand and be supportive of that.
WOW! This vent has made me feel much better. I think I can actually fall asleep now. So, i am off to bed. Wish me luck tomorrow, and for the entire week of being away from my little girl!
Today we had the pre-baptism meeting for Madddie. And while there Sister Margaretta had said something that has stuck with me all night. She was saying how she thinks that babies that were never wanted have their spirits damaged in the womb. Wow, I think she is so right. I cannot remember how we got on the topic, but we were talking about evil, and that led to unhappy babies. She wasn't directly talking about being a stay-at-home Mom, but I totally agree with her. I mean, I totally think part of why Maddie is such a happy baby (and someone just said this to me the other day) is because I was SOOO happy being pregnant. I think a lot of that spiritual feeling is passed through the body into the baby. And, I think that a baby who is left in daycare, is a bit damaged in their soul. Go ahead, flame me for that one. But, I totally do. And I truly in my mind think that is part of the problem with society today. Kids are just left to be raised by whomever, and are not home with their Mother for the greater part of their upbringing. Then, when they get old enough to understand, we bully them into thinking they HAD to go into Daycare, because Mom HAD to work, because things are so expensive and you need to have a double income family in order to survive. Don't get me wrong, I know there are some cases, where a double income IS needed, or a Mom is a single Mom, and NEEDS to work. And I think because they are working for the right reasons, THAT gets pushed into the soul, the selfless act by a single Mom, or a needy family. But not every situation is like that.
DJ and I had very different upbringings. And, now I am starting to think that a possible reason why DJs soul is so sad, may have to do with the fact that his Mom used to leave for days at a time, and leave him and his sister home alone. There wasn't a good (or even bad) cooked meal on the table. He used to melt chocolate chips and put them on graham crackers for dinner. He talks about how he would be sooo bored stuck at home. Or one time, in the freezing cold, he came home from kindergarten and no one was home and he had to hide in the garage to try to be warm! Where, on the other hand, and yes, my family was not well off either. But, my Mom was home, and my Dad came home afterwork. We always had a cooked meal on the table, and we ate together- no tv. Sometimes I remember it being hotdogs and chicken noodle soup, and my parents didn't even eat, when times were rougher than others. But the point is that we sat at the table together and were ToGether. And now as I am typing this, I am wondering if the sadness that DJ thinks was from being poor, wasn't actually from being left alone and deserted a lot. That in itself just proves to me that I really do know what is right, I just am not sure how to get DJ to understand what is right for Maddie. I mean, what more can we need? We have a decent house, but we have nice furniture, a big screen downstairs, a flat screen in our bedroom, I just bought a new camera, he finally got his gun safe. Which now with kids was more of a necessity that it was for fun. But, sure things would be tight, but we can deal with tight for a few years. I can't imagine that it wouldn't work out.
Tonight Sister Margretta said another thing that struck home with me. She had said when you feel alone, to go to God. I felt like she could see right through me. Cause I have felt so alone lately. DJ just doesn't understand me, and well, when things get bad he runs, or at least just stays away. None of my friends understand, and well I am just totally confused myself, because, I do feel this weird thing of guilt, or like if I were to leave the workforce, I JUST become a stay-at-home Mom. That is another thing I do not understand about society today, why is it, that people easily make you feel worthless for wanting to stay home with the love of your life. The one person/thing that you are most responsible for in this world. If you want to devote your life to it, you are looked at as weak. What is that about? And, until after having my daughter, I am ashamed to say, that I have been completely guilty of this. Judging people for JUST being a Stay-at-home Mom, making my friends, or others I don't know well, feel bad for doing this very important JOB. Anyhow, back to the point at hand... It just totally hit home. I DO need God right now at this very trying point in my life. I need to talk to him about this. It just seems weird to be asking him for the strength to be a working Mom, when what reasons do I really have to be a working Mom. It is certainly not survival. It is for selfish reasons, like wanting to flaunt money,having brand new cars every couple of years. How do you justify THAT? I think I am just going to ask him for help to NOT feel weak because I WANT to be a stay-at-home Mom, and for help in getting DJ to understand and be supportive of that.
WOW! This vent has made me feel much better. I think I can actually fall asleep now. So, i am off to bed. Wish me luck tomorrow, and for the entire week of being away from my little girl!
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