I want to start off by thanking you all for being here today, and all your support over the past few days. It really means a lot to my family and I.
Please bear with me as I try to get through this- my heart really hurts to have to be here giving this Euology.
My Mom was the youngest of 14 children. But you would never guess she was the baby of the family as she could certainly hold her own with all of her older siblings.
She graduated from High School in 1964 and began working for Police Headquarters downtown. She married my father in May of 1968 after 5 years of dating. In 1970 Mom left Police Headquarters to become a "Domestic Engineer" as she liked to call it. Mom just told me a week before she went into the hospital that if she could do it all over again, she would marry the same man & do it all the same. It made me feel very good to know she had no big regrets in her life.
My Mom had so many wonderful qualities...but I will only speak to a few here.
My Mom was a very compassionate person who was liked by all. Whether they knew her well or only as an aquaintance. All of my friends thought my Mom was great. From my childhood friends who thought she was so awesome cause she played Nintendo...( I just thought it was normal that my Mom could kick my butt at Super Mario) and all my adult friends who would meet her and instantly feel a bond with her. I cannot tell you how many times after friends would meet her at one of my gathersing, they would call or email me to say how much they enjoyed talking to her and how sweet she was & how special she made them feel. I know I can speak for my sister and say her friends also felt the same.
Also, every year at our Family Reunions my sister and I hear how special my Mom is to all of our cousins & they all give the same reasons, because she was so caring, non-judging, & loving.
My Mom taught me her next best quality, Selflessness and Kindness in many ways. But one that sticks out in my head is how she ALWAYS made sure to visit my Grandmother each night while she was in the nursing home. Even during the cold months when my Dad had to work late, she would bundle us up and we would walk to the nursing home. She never missed a night... no matter the reason.
But lastly...Moms best quality was being the "Ultimate Grandma". I know all Grandmas are awesome, but I have to say she really took the cake on this one! She LOVED her Grandkids, nothing made her happier. She treated them all the same, loved them all the same, Whether you were her first born granchild, 3rd, or even still unborn, she loved them all equally and compassionately. To her every little accomplishment was a HUGE one!
However, my Mom was sick and her illness was quite a frustrating one. Mostly for her, but also for us. Many times I would get frustrated for the things her illness caused her to miss out on. I would worry about the quality of my memories with her. I wanted them to be fun and exciting. With my Dad most of my memories consisted of fun things like turning up the radio to jam out to Chuck Berry's "Johnny B Good". But memories with my Mom seemed simple, boring in comparison to those with my Dad, and I longed so much to make some memories of say, us walking around the Zoo, or maybe some other exciting trips here or there. But her body wouldn't let her.
Things in my life have changed recently with the birth of my own daughter, and then this past week in the hospital with her, a sad realization slowly crept into my head that she was more than likely not making it out this time. Something odd happened. MY life with my Mom flashed in front of my eyes that week. So many memories came to me that I had forgotten about & those memories that for so long had seemed simple and boring, suddenly became comforting, enough.
The fact is, boring as it might have seemed, my Mom was ALWAYS THERE. That is a comforting feeling that makes me who I am today. The Mother I am to Maddie & will be to Cameron. Memories like sitting with my Mom in the kitchen eating Chicken Noodle Soup with buttered Saltine Crackers, that once seemed boring...now it feels exciting and again, comforting. And nothing brings a smile to my face more than sharing a time like that with Maddie, teaching HER how to dip HER cracker into the bowl, like my Mom did with me. It makes me feel complete as an adult, and happy to be the kind of Mom to Maddie that my Mom was to me. Another simple memory that came flooding back into my head is the feeling of her dressing me, and how she would wiggle me around to pull my pants up. Sounds dumb, I know, ut I now think of & feel my Mom's hands on me again every time I dress Maddie. Who needs exciting, adventurous memories... certainly not me.
For the past month or so, I guess my Mom was having dreams of her dead siblings, and Mother. And they actually told her they were coming for her. She asked them to hold on, but when it's your time, it is your time. I didn't know about those dreams until after she went into the hospital. She probably didn't want me to know because she knew how seriously I too those types of things, and she didn't want me worrying in my condition- and I would have. All I know is that I am soo comforted by the fact that I know she was greeted in Heaven by her Brothers and Sisters, and my Grandma. I know she is happy and content right now being where she is.
All I have left is a Poem I would like to read called "Rest in Peace"
Rest in Peace
You are not forgotten loved one
Nor will you ever be
As long as life and memory last
we will remember thee
We miss you now, our hearts are sore
As time goes by, we miss you more
Your loving smile, your gentle face
No one can fill your vacant place.
Showing posts with label Dear Mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dear Mom. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I sit here on the Eve...
...of the one year anniversary of the death of my Mother... and I feel nothing. Well, not nothing really, but nothing bad. Maybe tomorrow will be another story. But I have this feeling that it won't.
There is something funny about mourning the death of a loved one. The good days and the bad days are real big surprises. The days I expect to be the hard ones, are a breeze. Then the real bad, can't stop crying all day long ones just sneak up. No warning, no reason, zip.
Part of me thinks that people have a natural defense mechanism that helps them through the hardest times.... Something that allows them to put up a barrier for those tough times. OR, the way I really like to think about it- is that my Mom is up there in with Him in Heaven sending down waves of energy of love and happiness to me that helps lift up my spirits in the times I need her most. Kinda like the Poem "Foot Prints in the Sand" This was one of my Mom's favorites, and it has been one of mine too. I remember reading it for the first time. It literally gave me chills.
Footprints
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.
This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.
The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
There is something funny about mourning the death of a loved one. The good days and the bad days are real big surprises. The days I expect to be the hard ones, are a breeze. Then the real bad, can't stop crying all day long ones just sneak up. No warning, no reason, zip.
Part of me thinks that people have a natural defense mechanism that helps them through the hardest times.... Something that allows them to put up a barrier for those tough times. OR, the way I really like to think about it- is that my Mom is up there in with Him in Heaven sending down waves of energy of love and happiness to me that helps lift up my spirits in the times I need her most. Kinda like the Poem "Foot Prints in the Sand" This was one of my Mom's favorites, and it has been one of mine too. I remember reading it for the first time. It literally gave me chills.
Footprints
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.
This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.
The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
I saw my Mom
in my dreams last night. Or I think it was actually earlier this morning.
I was pulling out of my dad's drive-way and on my way out I saw a bright light flash in the window of the door. I just knew it was my Mom and I should look. So I looked into his big window, and sure enough, over she walked to the couch. I could see her bright white hair pulled back into the usual style. She sat down on the couch. I was in my car but my hand started frantically waving and I was yelling so loud "MOMM, MOMM, it's me, I am hear, I see you!" She had a smile on her face but I knew she couldn't see me or didn't hear me yelling to her. Then she changed to an older version of herself when she was on predizone and was heavy and super puffy. Then she was gone. It was so sad. I just wanted her to know I saw her, and I just wanted to go talk to her for just a minute! But she was gone! Now all day I can't stop thinking about her and just how much I miss her. How much I wish I could just see her ONE MORE TIME. It's been almost 10 months. Holy crap that is a long time not to see or talk to your Mom.
Anyhow, I need to start blogging more. Cameron is so cute and I need to get his antics on video and stuff more. He is already pulling himself up. I looked back and Maddie had not done that until she was 11 months old! Wow. I will be back more often, I promise. WIth more pics and videos!
I was pulling out of my dad's drive-way and on my way out I saw a bright light flash in the window of the door. I just knew it was my Mom and I should look. So I looked into his big window, and sure enough, over she walked to the couch. I could see her bright white hair pulled back into the usual style. She sat down on the couch. I was in my car but my hand started frantically waving and I was yelling so loud "MOMM, MOMM, it's me, I am hear, I see you!" She had a smile on her face but I knew she couldn't see me or didn't hear me yelling to her. Then she changed to an older version of herself when she was on predizone and was heavy and super puffy. Then she was gone. It was so sad. I just wanted her to know I saw her, and I just wanted to go talk to her for just a minute! But she was gone! Now all day I can't stop thinking about her and just how much I miss her. How much I wish I could just see her ONE MORE TIME. It's been almost 10 months. Holy crap that is a long time not to see or talk to your Mom.
Anyhow, I need to start blogging more. Cameron is so cute and I need to get his antics on video and stuff more. He is already pulling himself up. I looked back and Maddie had not done that until she was 11 months old! Wow. I will be back more often, I promise. WIth more pics and videos!
Friday, July 3, 2009
Just One Tear
I still cry everyday for my Mom. Everyday. It is really just a matter of how long I cry or how hard I cry. That is the only thing that is different each day. It is not like I am sad all day everyday or anything. And infact somedays it is a happy cry. I try to stay busy and fill my life with fun and happiness, and children and family and friends. And it helps. But I really cannot get away from the sadness and the loss I feel each day when I am alone. I cry when I sit on the toilet, when I am driving in the car, I cry when DJ takes the kids outside and I am in the house all alone for one minute or two. And sometimes, as tired as can be, when I lay my head down assuming I will fall right to sleep, I just start crying. (like tonight)
It has been a rough past few months with Mother's Day, What would have been My Parents 41st Anniversary on May 17th, and then My Moms Birthday on the 13th of June and Maddies on the 28th. However, on Maddies birthday I got so very sad and overwhelmed as I laid with her in the camper to go to sleep for the night...so sad I was for the fact of all I am missing, Maddie is missing, My Mom is missing. For the fact that Maddie is two years old and my Mom was not there to see it. The fact that where Maddies cousins had 10+ years with my Mom as their Grandma, she had 15 months. That she is missing out on all they had those 10+ years with her. As sad as I was that night though. I only let one, small, hot, tear fall down my face. I wiped it away and left my sleeping beauty in the camper, and asked my Mom to come and spend time with Maddie the only way she can- in her dreams.
It has been a rough past few months with Mother's Day, What would have been My Parents 41st Anniversary on May 17th, and then My Moms Birthday on the 13th of June and Maddies on the 28th. However, on Maddies birthday I got so very sad and overwhelmed as I laid with her in the camper to go to sleep for the night...so sad I was for the fact of all I am missing, Maddie is missing, My Mom is missing. For the fact that Maddie is two years old and my Mom was not there to see it. The fact that where Maddies cousins had 10+ years with my Mom as their Grandma, she had 15 months. That she is missing out on all they had those 10+ years with her. As sad as I was that night though. I only let one, small, hot, tear fall down my face. I wiped it away and left my sleeping beauty in the camper, and asked my Mom to come and spend time with Maddie the only way she can- in her dreams.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Unexpected
When my Mom first went into the Hospital on Saturday September 13th, and she was on the ventilator, I went into her room and her hair was getting all tangled from her head thrashing around because of the discomfort from the ventilator. So, when I saw her hair getting all tangled I took her little orange hair band out of her head, and untangled her hair. I put the hair band on my wrist, like I would with mine when I take it out of my head. It was orange ( I said that). I thought it was an interesting color, as all of my hair bands like this are black. I wore it around my wrist the entire time she was in the hospital.
A few days later, she had come off the ventilator, and seemed to be doing well. However, because of some very painful headaches (which eventually we figured was because of her CO2 Levels being so high, and her oxygen levels being so low) she had to go in to have a couple of cat scans of her head. The put these sensors on her head in her hair and they made her hair all goopy. She hadn't been able to have her hair washed, which I knew bugged her, and she mentioned something about her hair in her face. I asked her if she wanted me to pull her hair back for her. She said Yes. So I did, but instead of using her orange hairband on my wrist, I pulled the black one from my hair and used that to pull her goop-filled hair back the best I could. At the time I remember her looking around the room and saying "I had a hair tie here somewhere, but I don't know where it went." I kinda smiled inside about my secret that I had been the one to take her hair band out, and that I was wearing it on my wrist at the time. I don't know why, but I wanted to keep that hairband. Kinda the whole time she was in the hospital I figured she wasn't coming out. Of course I had many bouts of positive and/or hopeful thinking that I was wrong, but I also think in a way that I knew she wasnt. I wanted to keep this hair band to help me think of her and remember her, and kinda keep me close to her.
I wore the hair band for a few weeks after she passed, and during her funeral I made a point to put it on. But then after a while, I started using the band as an actual hair band myself when I couldn't find any black ones to use. The truth is, I wasn't attached to the band like I wanted to be. It didn't really make me think of her they way I had hoped it would. Eventually, I lost the band like I have with all of my other hair bands in the past.
Tonight, I got home from celebrations at my Dad's house and I started to pick up the house a bit since I was due to feed Cam in an hour, thinking I might as well stay up and get a bit done so I have less to do tomorrow. As I picked up the bottom half of my lipstick so Maddie wouldn't get into it in the morning and cause a mini disaster, (like drawing with lipstick on my walls or something right before my Christmas Dinner guests arrive) I noticed way back in the corner where my wall and sink meet, there sits the orange band! It has been months since I have seen the thing! I am pretty sure that I have looked in that corner since I have lost the band, and have never noticed it before.
Suddenly, the band gave me warm feelings, and sad feelings, and just general feelings of Mom. I started to cry right away. It is just so ODD, that it was there, I never noticed it before tonight, Christmas Eve, and that at the time I had lost it, I really wasn't feeling the connection I was hoping it would give me with her, and now it was doing all that I had wanted it to before.
ODD. I can only say one thing. Merry Christmas to you too Mom. You were missed tonight and I love you.
A few days later, she had come off the ventilator, and seemed to be doing well. However, because of some very painful headaches (which eventually we figured was because of her CO2 Levels being so high, and her oxygen levels being so low) she had to go in to have a couple of cat scans of her head. The put these sensors on her head in her hair and they made her hair all goopy. She hadn't been able to have her hair washed, which I knew bugged her, and she mentioned something about her hair in her face. I asked her if she wanted me to pull her hair back for her. She said Yes. So I did, but instead of using her orange hairband on my wrist, I pulled the black one from my hair and used that to pull her goop-filled hair back the best I could. At the time I remember her looking around the room and saying "I had a hair tie here somewhere, but I don't know where it went." I kinda smiled inside about my secret that I had been the one to take her hair band out, and that I was wearing it on my wrist at the time. I don't know why, but I wanted to keep that hairband. Kinda the whole time she was in the hospital I figured she wasn't coming out. Of course I had many bouts of positive and/or hopeful thinking that I was wrong, but I also think in a way that I knew she wasnt. I wanted to keep this hair band to help me think of her and remember her, and kinda keep me close to her.
I wore the hair band for a few weeks after she passed, and during her funeral I made a point to put it on. But then after a while, I started using the band as an actual hair band myself when I couldn't find any black ones to use. The truth is, I wasn't attached to the band like I wanted to be. It didn't really make me think of her they way I had hoped it would. Eventually, I lost the band like I have with all of my other hair bands in the past.
Tonight, I got home from celebrations at my Dad's house and I started to pick up the house a bit since I was due to feed Cam in an hour, thinking I might as well stay up and get a bit done so I have less to do tomorrow. As I picked up the bottom half of my lipstick so Maddie wouldn't get into it in the morning and cause a mini disaster, (like drawing with lipstick on my walls or something right before my Christmas Dinner guests arrive) I noticed way back in the corner where my wall and sink meet, there sits the orange band! It has been months since I have seen the thing! I am pretty sure that I have looked in that corner since I have lost the band, and have never noticed it before.
Suddenly, the band gave me warm feelings, and sad feelings, and just general feelings of Mom. I started to cry right away. It is just so ODD, that it was there, I never noticed it before tonight, Christmas Eve, and that at the time I had lost it, I really wasn't feeling the connection I was hoping it would give me with her, and now it was doing all that I had wanted it to before.
ODD. I can only say one thing. Merry Christmas to you too Mom. You were missed tonight and I love you.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Dear Mom,
I bought a book, called "Do Dead People Watch Me Shower". I read it in a day and a half. It was so interesting. I makes me feel closer to you. It makes me comforted to think of the after life in this way.
Tomorrow is 6 weeks since you have been gone. I miss you more each day. It is so amazing how many little things make me think of you. Any thing you have ever purchased for me, where before I hardly remembered you bought for me. Yesterday I pulled out a spreader at family dinner, and remembered that you gave it to me. I always just thought you were so kind for the things you gave me. Now, I am so appreciative of them. They help me think of you daily.
The kiddos are doing great. Maddie is just doing amazing things. You would be getting such a kick out of her. I wish you were here to see her. I wish you could have held Cameron. I really just want to touch your hand one more time. It is so weird, I actually wish I could go back to the week you were in the hospital. I would even take the days you were on the ventilator and I couldn't talk to you... cause you were still there, still here. Still with us. I know all of these things are completely selfish on my part. You are so much better off where you are now, but I can't help but to be a bit selfish, cause I am missing you Mom.
Tomorrow is 6 weeks since you have been gone. I miss you more each day. It is so amazing how many little things make me think of you. Any thing you have ever purchased for me, where before I hardly remembered you bought for me. Yesterday I pulled out a spreader at family dinner, and remembered that you gave it to me. I always just thought you were so kind for the things you gave me. Now, I am so appreciative of them. They help me think of you daily.
The kiddos are doing great. Maddie is just doing amazing things. You would be getting such a kick out of her. I wish you were here to see her. I wish you could have held Cameron. I really just want to touch your hand one more time. It is so weird, I actually wish I could go back to the week you were in the hospital. I would even take the days you were on the ventilator and I couldn't talk to you... cause you were still there, still here. Still with us. I know all of these things are completely selfish on my part. You are so much better off where you are now, but I can't help but to be a bit selfish, cause I am missing you Mom.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Dear Mom,
Went to Danielle's shower at Aunt Shirley's yesterday. Shell and I went for her and you only of course. Aunt Shirley loved seeing Maddie and Cam of course. When I came in she said "Oh, good, if you didn't have the baby I wasn't going to let you come in!" haha. You know our family. They love the babies. It felt good to be around them. To see Aunt Shirley and Aunt Nettie holding Cam. I felt like they were an extension of you. In a way, like you were there holding him. I think I got just as many gifts as Danielle did! lol. And of course both Aunt Shirley and Aunt Nettie got something for Maddie too. Heaven for bid they should give to one and not the other. But, I felt very loved and special. In a way, made up for you not being here, like only your sister could do I guess. But the truth is NOTHING makes up for you not being here.
Why can't you just still be here Mom? It sucks that every week I think "Cam is 3 weeks old this week", and then I follow it up with, and 5 weeks since Mom died. It does not get easier, it gets harder. I cannot believe that you have been gone so long already. Over an entire month. Like when it was 2 weeks since you passed, that was only 2 weeks without you. But now, 5 weeks without you seems just completely unfair. I doubt this probably makes sense to anyone but me.
Dad is becoming Mr Mom and is keeping himself busy by learning how to cook, and keep house. Can you believe it? LOL. He is also being a very good Dad and Papa. I think in everything he does he thinks "What would Pam do, or tell me to do in this situation". So he has really picked up the slack on the things that you would have made sure happens.
I guess we are still going to your house on Halloween. I knew that the holidays would hurt without you being there. BUt I will admit, I had no idea that a dumb holiday like Halloween would make me miss you so much. But we are getting together, and will do things all the same, just without you there. I think Shell is going to make goulash. I really wish I could taste your chili and Nachos again. No matter how hard I try, I cannot get them to taste like yours :(.
Ok, well I could just pretend like you are here and talk and talk and talk forever. So I guess I will just make myself go now.
Missing you more everyday, Love Missy.
Why can't you just still be here Mom? It sucks that every week I think "Cam is 3 weeks old this week", and then I follow it up with, and 5 weeks since Mom died. It does not get easier, it gets harder. I cannot believe that you have been gone so long already. Over an entire month. Like when it was 2 weeks since you passed, that was only 2 weeks without you. But now, 5 weeks without you seems just completely unfair. I doubt this probably makes sense to anyone but me.
Dad is becoming Mr Mom and is keeping himself busy by learning how to cook, and keep house. Can you believe it? LOL. He is also being a very good Dad and Papa. I think in everything he does he thinks "What would Pam do, or tell me to do in this situation". So he has really picked up the slack on the things that you would have made sure happens.
I guess we are still going to your house on Halloween. I knew that the holidays would hurt without you being there. BUt I will admit, I had no idea that a dumb holiday like Halloween would make me miss you so much. But we are getting together, and will do things all the same, just without you there. I think Shell is going to make goulash. I really wish I could taste your chili and Nachos again. No matter how hard I try, I cannot get them to taste like yours :(.
Ok, well I could just pretend like you are here and talk and talk and talk forever. So I guess I will just make myself go now.
Missing you more everyday, Love Missy.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Dear Mom,
It is weird Mom. I miss you on gorgeous days, and dreary days. I think of you when there is a happy song on the radio, I think of you when there is a sad song on the radio. I think of you when I hold Cameron and give Maddie kisses. Basically, I just think about you all the time. Some days I am OK, and just happy thinking about you. Some days I can't help but to feel so sorry for myself, and Shell, and Dad and all the kiddos- and of course for you that you are not here to see your grandkids. But I know you are ok. I just didn't think it would be THIS hard. And I guess I thought it would get easier as time passed, not harder. Tuesday it will be a month. And that for me is one month too long not to have you in my life.
Dad has been coming to stay with me every day to help with Maddie since I cannot lift her cause of the c-section. I am not getting much sleep these days- Cam has his days and nights mixed up and I even think there may be a chance that he is colicky. (I know, I know you warned me that my chances of having two babies as good as Maddie was low.) I swear he is an old grouchy soul. Sometimes he just gets this little look on his face of worry. It is the sweetest thing. Reminds me of you and how much you used to worry about things.
Tonight was family dinner and we went to your house. Had chinese takeout and it was very yummy. Of course Miss Maddie didn't want to have anything to do with anyone but Chelsea. Poor Chelsea... has to hold her the whole time they are over. Dad found 2 boxes of pictures that he thought was old bills. What a fun surprise to go through. We all had some great laughs tonight going through those. There were many pictures of us as a family and some great ones of Grandma that just made me smile.
We all miss you Mom. Everyone else, including DJ has dreams of you. I have not yet. I am waiting to see you again in my dreams. I can't figure out why I have not had one yet. Everyone is so surprised to see that in their dreams you are not wearing oxygen, and you are always healthy. Also, they all mention that you are ageless. They cannot figure out how old you are in the dream. I feel like I am the only one to get the symbolism of that. Everyone else just seems surprised. But I know it is cause you are coming to them, and right now you are up in Heaven, happy, content, without illness, and ageless. This comforts me Mom. I still think it is completely unfair that you are gone. I still think it is unfair that you died at the age of 63, when we could have had so much more time together. But, I try not to let the thoughts of fairness and sadness consume me. I have so much to be happy about, and I know that you would not want me to be sad.
Can you come down and give Cam some angel kisses to help him go to sleep? It is 1:10and he is still awake, and doesn't look like he is close to falling asleep! I could really use some zzzz's tonight. :)
Nighty Night, Missy
Dad has been coming to stay with me every day to help with Maddie since I cannot lift her cause of the c-section. I am not getting much sleep these days- Cam has his days and nights mixed up and I even think there may be a chance that he is colicky. (I know, I know you warned me that my chances of having two babies as good as Maddie was low.) I swear he is an old grouchy soul. Sometimes he just gets this little look on his face of worry. It is the sweetest thing. Reminds me of you and how much you used to worry about things.
Tonight was family dinner and we went to your house. Had chinese takeout and it was very yummy. Of course Miss Maddie didn't want to have anything to do with anyone but Chelsea. Poor Chelsea... has to hold her the whole time they are over. Dad found 2 boxes of pictures that he thought was old bills. What a fun surprise to go through. We all had some great laughs tonight going through those. There were many pictures of us as a family and some great ones of Grandma that just made me smile.
We all miss you Mom. Everyone else, including DJ has dreams of you. I have not yet. I am waiting to see you again in my dreams. I can't figure out why I have not had one yet. Everyone is so surprised to see that in their dreams you are not wearing oxygen, and you are always healthy. Also, they all mention that you are ageless. They cannot figure out how old you are in the dream. I feel like I am the only one to get the symbolism of that. Everyone else just seems surprised. But I know it is cause you are coming to them, and right now you are up in Heaven, happy, content, without illness, and ageless. This comforts me Mom. I still think it is completely unfair that you are gone. I still think it is unfair that you died at the age of 63, when we could have had so much more time together. But, I try not to let the thoughts of fairness and sadness consume me. I have so much to be happy about, and I know that you would not want me to be sad.
Can you come down and give Cam some angel kisses to help him go to sleep? It is 1:10and he is still awake, and doesn't look like he is close to falling asleep! I could really use some zzzz's tonight. :)
Nighty Night, Missy
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Dear Mom,
I am having a rough day today. I keep thinking of the fact that Maddie has not seen you in almost 3 weeks. I am still so happy I snuck her into the hospital that Thursday. But I can't help but to wonder why she thinks she hasn't seen you. It hurts so bad I want to throw up when I think about it.
I have been so at peace the past week. I know it is cause you have been by my side through the c-section and Cam's first week. You must be off helping someone else now, because the hurt is back full force. I had a bad morning, and now a bad evening.
I am going to take a nap, but had to write first, or I knew I would not be able to stop crying long enough to sleep. I just wanted to tell you: Cam is beautiful, and I miss you.
Missy
I have been so at peace the past week. I know it is cause you have been by my side through the c-section and Cam's first week. You must be off helping someone else now, because the hurt is back full force. I had a bad morning, and now a bad evening.
I am going to take a nap, but had to write first, or I knew I would not be able to stop crying long enough to sleep. I just wanted to tell you: Cam is beautiful, and I miss you.
Missy
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Dear Mom
Well, I hope Heaven is turning out to be all that you ever taught me it would be.
Say Hi to the fam for me. I know we already have a lot up there. ;)
Well, tomorrow Cameron comes Mom and you are not here. It hurts my heart, but I know that you will be there, and enjoy every minute of his birth. However, I am sad that he will not feel your loving touch and that I can't see you welcoming your 3rd Grandson into the world. I've been thinking of you all day, and I am sure I will think of you all tomorrow as well.
Love,
Missy
P.S. I know you have been loving watching Maddie toddle around. Isn't it the sweetest thing! She is getting so big GammMa.
Say Hi to the fam for me. I know we already have a lot up there. ;)
Well, tomorrow Cameron comes Mom and you are not here. It hurts my heart, but I know that you will be there, and enjoy every minute of his birth. However, I am sad that he will not feel your loving touch and that I can't see you welcoming your 3rd Grandson into the world. I've been thinking of you all day, and I am sure I will think of you all tomorrow as well.
Love,
Missy
P.S. I know you have been loving watching Maddie toddle around. Isn't it the sweetest thing! She is getting so big GammMa.
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