"She Sees Him"

DJ's Grandma is 92 years old, and she is one sharp lady. This is pretty impressive since his Mom is in her 50s and not even as sharp as her own Mom. (Did I say that out loud?)

Anyhow, DJ's Mom and Grandma came over yesterday and his Grandma was sitting on the love seat and I was on the couch snuggling with Cameron. His Grandma says to me, "Your Mom.... she can see him. Trust me, I died 3 times, and I know she sees him." And if you could have seen her face. It was so sweet and reassuring. And it really made me smile and feel comforted.

My curiosity of course got the best of me, and I swear I could sit and just talk about this topic all day. I had to ask her about her "dying". Unfortunately she replaced the battery in her hearing aid and she says it was not working properly. So having a conversation with her was pretty difficult. But I asked, if when she died she saw the people around her. She said No, but that she was seeing a light and it was soooo beautiful and peaceful. But she got half-way there and came back. She said "I Guess God wasn't ready for me yet." LOL. I wanted to ask her then how does she know... but the conversation ended cause she was really having a hard time understanding what I was asking her. I hope my Mom had the same beautiful experience when she left this world.

I haven't mentioned much about how she passed. But my family had to make a decision to take her off of life support. Her body could not function without the life support. The Doctor said to us during our very long family discussion about our decision that we were not choosing to kill her, but just choosing not to mess with timing of when she would pass. Not extending her life for our own selfishness. But sometimes, when I am trying to go to sleep, it feels a bit like we decided for her to pass. It is really hard to have that on your chest. I know in my heart that we did the right thing, and it really helps to think about the fact that when she left this world she went to this really beautiful place and that it felt so good for her. Because seeing your Mom suffering on life support is really hard. I have so many bad images of the last few days of my Mom's life, and I can't help but to wonder what all she felt, was she in discomfort, etc. I just ache to know what it was like for her those last few days and her final hour and minutes. I am sure when she left it was the same as what DJ's Grandma described, and for that I thank God.

I didn't think much about this picture at the time it was taken. You can't see my Mom's face and Maddie's is all scrunched up. But now, it is my absolute favorite picture of the two of them. Why? I like to see my Mom in her usual perch on the couch that now-a-days feels very empty. I remember this day and how she snatched Maddie out of my arms to give her these kisses. This totally shows the way my family is with our babies. You KISS them and KISS them and KISS them, so hard, even if it makes them uncomfortable and cry. Because they are just so KISSABLE and they are only like that for so long. So this is just one of many of Maddie's squished faces from the long meaningful kisses from Grandma Pam.

New Clothes

Grandma Pam ordered Maddie some new clothes from online. Papa Don brought the box over, and boy did Maddie love her new stuff.

Grandmas

I was thinking about Grandmas today. I drove by the nursing care facility that my grandma got moved into one fateful winter day when she took a fall. I remember it well. I was SOOO disappointed. It ruined my chance to see if there was a "real" Santa Claus or not! You see, my grandma had 13 children. At the time she had about 5 or 8 still living, and she used to go from house to house and spend two weeks at a time with each family. I was so very excited because THIS stay at our house happened to fall over Christmas. Not only was this exciting to have my grandma be at our house during Christmas time, this also meant that I would sleep on the couch Christmas Eve since she slept in my bed while she stayed at our house. I had it all planned out. I stay up after everyone went to bed, pretending to be asleep,then when I heard a sound, I could peek out to see if there really WAS a Santa.... but it never happened. While she was staying with one of My Uncles, she took a fall while out shopping and broke her hip. From there things got worse as she had a stroke or two, and got put into a nursing home. The stay at the nursing home was supposed to be temporary... well, it wasn't- more strokes followed. I think that nursing home ruined her, ruined her spirit.... My parents went there nightly to make sure she ate because we certainly could not count on the nurses that worked there to be sure she ate. The food was always pretty nasty anyhow, but at least my Mom felt good knowing she was taken care of. I can't remember exactly how long she was in that nursing home. It was a while though. Why am I blogging about this today? I have passed by that nursing home on my way to work everyday for the past 4 years. A few years ago it finally got shut down. I thanked God. Then I drove by an abandoned building for a few years. Watched it progressively get more and more run down- broken windows, grafetti, etc. It used to give me chills, some days I would drive by and the drapes would be shut, the next day open. I would always think as I drove by how many unhappy spirits probably haunt that building. Well this morning as I drove by they were tearing down one end, and this evening on my way home, the whole thing was down to the ground! I didn't know it would have such an affect on me, but I was relieved. Finally that place, and the bad things it did to my Grandma have been demolished.

I forgot, until writing this, another thing I forgot to take into consideration while deciding to leave work or not. The vow I had made to myself that no matter the circumstances, I would never let one of my parents go into a home like that. Don't get me wrong, I am not downing my parents, or the rest of my family for putting my Grandma there, it was the best thing at the time. I just know that I do not want either my Mom or Dad in a place like that. I had made a vow to do whatever I could to be sure I could pay for private adult daycare for them. Live in a house big enough to where we could have an area that they could live in if needed to. Not that I expect this to happen anytime soon, but my heart dropped a bit when I thought of that vow.

Anyhow, back to Grandmas... they are awesome. I can already tell Maddie just has this little connection with her Grandma. Me going to work and having them spend time together has been a really good thing. I am sure they would have gotten this good of a bond at some point, but I do think it may have taken more time had I not gone back to work. But now Grandma just has to LOOK at Maddie and she is all smiles. I love that.

I remember my Grandma, and this holiday season when I have so much to be thankful for, I am thankful for the times I had with my Grandma. She used to scratch my back for me. She has these great long nails and it felt so good. I used to beg her to keep scratching and she would say "No more, now, your back is gonna bleed". She used to carry Twix bars in her purse, and don't ask me how she would only eat one bar, I still to this day can't leave one bar in my purse, but she would graciously give hers to me or my sister. Usually hiding this from my Mom. Her purse was also always stocked full of Velamints- the mints with the hole in the middle. And of course gum. All the things Grandmas are good for, besides the hugs and kisses. I will never forget that Christmas when she never came to stay with us. But this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for all the times she did stay with us.


Maddie and Her Grandma


Me and My Grandma