Just One Tear

I still cry everyday for my Mom. Everyday. It is really just a matter of how long I cry or how hard I cry. That is the only thing that is different each day. It is not like I am sad all day everyday or anything. And infact somedays it is a happy cry. I try to stay busy and fill my life with fun and happiness, and children and family and friends. And it helps. But I really cannot get away from the sadness and the loss I feel each day when I am alone. I cry when I sit on the toilet, when I am driving in the car, I cry when DJ takes the kids outside and I am in the house all alone for one minute or two. And sometimes, as tired as can be, when I lay my head down assuming I will fall right to sleep, I just start crying. (like tonight)

It has been a rough past few months with Mother's Day, What would have been My Parents 41st Anniversary on May 17th, and then My Moms Birthday on the 13th of June and Maddies on the 28th. However, on Maddies birthday I got so very sad and overwhelmed as I laid with her in the camper to go to sleep for the night...so sad I was for the fact of all I am missing, Maddie is missing, My Mom is missing. For the fact that Maddie is two years old and my Mom was not there to see it. The fact that where Maddies cousins had 10+ years with my Mom as their Grandma, she had 15 months. That she is missing out on all they had those 10+ years with her. As sad as I was that night though. I only let one, small, hot, tear fall down my face. I wiped it away and left my sleeping beauty in the camper, and asked my Mom to come and spend time with Maddie the only way she can- in her dreams.