The Return

So here I sit the night before I return to corporate America. And I just feel blah about it. Who knew I would ever feel like this. I mean, once I was PG I was starting to get an idea that my career driven attitude was weaning, but really, I just thought it was a stage I was going through that would get old and that when it was time to return, I would be ready for it. Not so. Joke is ON ME. Hmph! That is what I say to that. I literally cannot get sleep tonight. As I start to fall asleep, I slowly work my way up to an almost state of hyperventilation. Doesn't this tell me something, doesn't this tell DJ something. I get the message, him... not so much! Annoying. Totally messing up our relationship vibe (yup, I just used the word vibe.) I don't think I have ever felt so separated from him. I mean, I get his reasoning. He is afraid of being poor again. Well, so am I. But, the Motherly selfless-ness that I never thought I would get, well, I got it, and yes I am afraid of a struggle. But what I am more afraid of is not being there for the first year of my daughters life. Great, I will be home by 5:30 to spend 1 hour with her before she goes down for the night- and that is only on the nights I don't have to work overtime. If I work an hour of overtime I will be getting just as she is about to go to BED for the night.

Today we had the pre-baptism meeting for Madddie. And while there Sister Margaretta had said something that has stuck with me all night. She was saying how she thinks that babies that were never wanted have their spirits damaged in the womb. Wow, I think she is so right. I cannot remember how we got on the topic, but we were talking about evil, and that led to unhappy babies. She wasn't directly talking about being a stay-at-home Mom, but I totally agree with her. I mean, I totally think part of why Maddie is such a happy baby (and someone just said this to me the other day) is because I was SOOO happy being pregnant. I think a lot of that spiritual feeling is passed through the body into the baby. And, I think that a baby who is left in daycare, is a bit damaged in their soul. Go ahead, flame me for that one. But, I totally do. And I truly in my mind think that is part of the problem with society today. Kids are just left to be raised by whomever, and are not home with their Mother for the greater part of their upbringing. Then, when they get old enough to understand, we bully them into thinking they HAD to go into Daycare, because Mom HAD to work, because things are so expensive and you need to have a double income family in order to survive. Don't get me wrong, I know there are some cases, where a double income IS needed, or a Mom is a single Mom, and NEEDS to work. And I think because they are working for the right reasons, THAT gets pushed into the soul, the selfless act by a single Mom, or a needy family. But not every situation is like that.

DJ and I had very different upbringings. And, now I am starting to think that a possible reason why DJs soul is so sad, may have to do with the fact that his Mom used to leave for days at a time, and leave him and his sister home alone. There wasn't a good (or even bad) cooked meal on the table. He used to melt chocolate chips and put them on graham crackers for dinner. He talks about how he would be sooo bored stuck at home. Or one time, in the freezing cold, he came home from kindergarten and no one was home and he had to hide in the garage to try to be warm! Where, on the other hand, and yes, my family was not well off either. But, my Mom was home, and my Dad came home afterwork. We always had a cooked meal on the table, and we ate together- no tv. Sometimes I remember it being hotdogs and chicken noodle soup, and my parents didn't even eat, when times were rougher than others. But the point is that we sat at the table together and were ToGether. And now as I am typing this, I am wondering if the sadness that DJ thinks was from being poor, wasn't actually from being left alone and deserted a lot. That in itself just proves to me that I really do know what is right, I just am not sure how to get DJ to understand what is right for Maddie. I mean, what more can we need? We have a decent house, but we have nice furniture, a big screen downstairs, a flat screen in our bedroom, I just bought a new camera, he finally got his gun safe. Which now with kids was more of a necessity that it was for fun. But, sure things would be tight, but we can deal with tight for a few years. I can't imagine that it wouldn't work out.

Tonight Sister Margretta said another thing that struck home with me. She had said when you feel alone, to go to God. I felt like she could see right through me. Cause I have felt so alone lately. DJ just doesn't understand me, and well, when things get bad he runs, or at least just stays away. None of my friends understand, and well I am just totally confused myself, because, I do feel this weird thing of guilt, or like if I were to leave the workforce, I JUST become a stay-at-home Mom. That is another thing I do not understand about society today, why is it, that people easily make you feel worthless for wanting to stay home with the love of your life. The one person/thing that you are most responsible for in this world. If you want to devote your life to it, you are looked at as weak. What is that about? And, until after having my daughter, I am ashamed to say, that I have been completely guilty of this. Judging people for JUST being a Stay-at-home Mom, making my friends, or others I don't know well, feel bad for doing this very important JOB. Anyhow, back to the point at hand... It just totally hit home. I DO need God right now at this very trying point in my life. I need to talk to him about this. It just seems weird to be asking him for the strength to be a working Mom, when what reasons do I really have to be a working Mom. It is certainly not survival. It is for selfish reasons, like wanting to flaunt money,having brand new cars every couple of years. How do you justify THAT? I think I am just going to ask him for help to NOT feel weak because I WANT to be a stay-at-home Mom, and for help in getting DJ to understand and be supportive of that.

WOW! This vent has made me feel much better. I think I can actually fall asleep now. So, i am off to bed. Wish me luck tomorrow, and for the entire week of being away from my little girl!