"itwillgetbetter"

I have heard this phrase probably 20 times this week. And it is not said or typed with an affirmative "It WILL get BETTER", or even an understanding "It will get better". It is said as an afterthought, a default answer, meaningless."itwillgetbetter" That is how it feels to me. Like I just need to get through this week, or like I am being overly sensitive. Not like we are talking about a major, huge life changing decision I am going through. I just can't hear it ONE MORE TIME, I can't- I will not be able to take it! I don't even like to talk about the subject at hand anymore- that of leaving my dear Maddie on a daily basis for the sake of joining the Mommy workforce. A friend of mine emailed me today asking how the week was going. I was waiting for it... I was cringing when I opened her reply to mine. It wasn't there. Phew! Got by without it on that one! Then, more questions in her reply. I read it, and I KNEW my answers to this one would definitley receive a "itwillgetbetter" so I didn't ever answer those questions. Cause honestly, I cannot hear it again.

Truth is, work is good, work is fun. The idea of leaving work is scary and sad, and unnerving. Will it get better? Sure. Yes. It will get better. I can adjust. DJ tells me I am a strong woman and I can and will get through this. He is right. I can, and I could. But do I want to? I mean, already, I feel really sad that I am not with Maddie so much all the time. Do I miss her? Sure? Is it ruining me like I thought it would? No. What I feel like is being a kid again, who somehow got pushed out of the group. Whether it was the "Cool" kid group, or just the triangle of best friends that for the moment decided to banish you from "the group" for whatever reason of the hour. Not to worry, next hour it will be another person in the group who is banished and you are back in. I remember this well, and I played the game well. I was not the one who cried and lost it when I got pushed out. I never begged to get back in. I just sat and waited it out, I didn't do backflips or any other crazy thing I thought might help my chances of getting back in faster. I just took it,and everytime I got stronger cause of it. So here I am again. Feeling pushed outside Maddie's group. I feel it in her looks, her smiles, her coos. And my reaction, it's not to cry, or try to win my way back into to her heart. No, it is to take it, and maybe get a bit more into my work. It could get better. I could let myself adjust to the new amount of time I spend with her. To the new (lower) level of closeness we share. Yes, it will get better if I chose to adjust in these ways. OR, I could choose NOT to let it get better, and NOT to be happy with only seeing her a hour and a half a day. I could choose to take it that I will not always be the one person to see all of her firsts. And for some people there is no option but to have to make these things work. I AM strong enough to be that person who makes it work, but it is not what I want to do, or who I want to be. If I was a single Mom and had a different way of life thrown at me, I think I would be looking at everything differently and be grateful for different things. But, right now, I am not that person. I don't think I have to take being out of "the group" anymore. I don't have to pretend it doesn't hurt. 'Cause this is my first child. And, I want nothing more than to be totally and completely IN "the group" ALL THE TIME when it comes to her. Well at least until she turns 5 and pushes me away cause she is a big school girl now, or 13 when she is finally a teenager. But those will be HER decisions and wishes, not mine. And then, I can once again take being out of "the group"- after years of knowing I was there for her, and this is her time to grow and find out who she is, and that will be OK.

Besides, I will let her figure this one out on her own when she is much much older- after having been in "the group" so long while she was young, I will forever be in "the group" no matter what separates us.