I was down in the basement going through Maddie's clothes that no longer fit. I really loved some of those outfits. It is hard to think about giving them away. I am so happy to have a boy, but in a way I wish I could re-use some of those cutie patootie outfits.

Then there are a ton of clothes that my Mom bought for her. Seeing those particular items of clothing just made me want to throw up. Just writing this I feel like throwing up. It is such a weird reaction. I never do throw-up, but I often get the urge when I think about her not being here. Tonight in the basement I had to take deep breathes to calm myself. It is odd to me that it hurts so much, and that is kinda gets worse and not better. But I figured it out. It is my subconcious that does not get that she is dead. Trust me, my concious mind is completely and fully 100% aware that she is not here. However, it is the core of my being that just does not want to accept it. I was just down there going through the clothes and I think about the fact that she is gone, and I have to fight the urge to run upstairs and scream and yell to DJ "Babe, my Mom is dead, she is gone, did you know that?" He would think I am crazy.

Of course he knows that, I know that, but sometimes, no, most often, when I think about it, it feels like I am finding this out for the first time. Not like almost 7 weeks have gone by already.

Dear blog reader, let me just tell you, NO ONE has any idea how much it hurts. Unless you have lost your Mom that is. I mean, I know you all think you may have an idea how much it hurts. And I did too at one time. I KNEW it was going to be SOOO unbelievably hard, and when I heard of others losing their parents, I always admitted that I couldn't imagine how hard it was for them. But, It is 75 times harder than the hardest I thought it would be.