Dear Mom,

It is weird Mom. I miss you on gorgeous days, and dreary days. I think of you when there is a happy song on the radio, I think of you when there is a sad song on the radio. I think of you when I hold Cameron and give Maddie kisses. Basically, I just think about you all the time. Some days I am OK, and just happy thinking about you. Some days I can't help but to feel so sorry for myself, and Shell, and Dad and all the kiddos- and of course for you that you are not here to see your grandkids. But I know you are ok. I just didn't think it would be THIS hard. And I guess I thought it would get easier as time passed, not harder. Tuesday it will be a month. And that for me is one month too long not to have you in my life.

Dad has been coming to stay with me every day to help with Maddie since I cannot lift her cause of the c-section. I am not getting much sleep these days- Cam has his days and nights mixed up and I even think there may be a chance that he is colicky. (I know, I know you warned me that my chances of having two babies as good as Maddie was low.) I swear he is an old grouchy soul. Sometimes he just gets this little look on his face of worry. It is the sweetest thing. Reminds me of you and how much you used to worry about things.

Tonight was family dinner and we went to your house. Had chinese takeout and it was very yummy. Of course Miss Maddie didn't want to have anything to do with anyone but Chelsea. Poor Chelsea... has to hold her the whole time they are over. Dad found 2 boxes of pictures that he thought was old bills. What a fun surprise to go through. We all had some great laughs tonight going through those. There were many pictures of us as a family and some great ones of Grandma that just made me smile.

We all miss you Mom. Everyone else, including DJ has dreams of you. I have not yet. I am waiting to see you again in my dreams. I can't figure out why I have not had one yet. Everyone is so surprised to see that in their dreams you are not wearing oxygen, and you are always healthy. Also, they all mention that you are ageless. They cannot figure out how old you are in the dream. I feel like I am the only one to get the symbolism of that. Everyone else just seems surprised. But I know it is cause you are coming to them, and right now you are up in Heaven, happy, content, without illness, and ageless. This comforts me Mom. I still think it is completely unfair that you are gone. I still think it is unfair that you died at the age of 63, when we could have had so much more time together. But, I try not to let the thoughts of fairness and sadness consume me. I have so much to be happy about, and I know that you would not want me to be sad.

Can you come down and give Cam some angel kisses to help him go to sleep? It is 1:10and he is still awake, and doesn't look like he is close to falling asleep! I could really use some zzzz's tonight. :)

Nighty Night, Missy